"No Lane Jumping"-Stay In Your Lane
My hubby and I have been privileged enough to have worked together for almost the entire length of our marriage in some capacity through ministry. Some people call it a privilege to work their spouse while others will most certainly disagree. I believe it has been a privilege though because it has helped us to learn each other more deeply and it has drawn us closer in these last 10 years of marriage.
While it was bumpy at first, and still sometimes is, we discovered that we both had to find our own lane and ride that joker out. Through my experiences of us constantly bumping heads then reaching a point where we tolerable to one another to now finally coasting like the sunroof down on a warm and sunny California day, it is my firm belief that if both parties are committed to identifying and staying in their own lane, being a team and working together with no added stress on your marriage is absolutely possible. I, in no shape form or fashion desire to control my husband and neither does he want to control me. But while we were learning our roles, we found that we wanted to control the other person to get out of our face and go sit down somewhere. Lol.
When we started the ministry we tried to share an office........ Nope, that didn't go well at all!!! I am neat, orderly and everything has to be in it's proper place if you're not using it and he's okay with leaving stuff all over his desk and office until he gets tired of looking at his stuff being all over his desk and office. Also, when I am studying or doing the church books or anything admin (yep, that's all me), I have to have absolute silence, while he has T.D. Jakes, R.A. Vernon or some type of music jamming for himself. (That is "supposedly" how he studies.) This set up was just was not working for us and we found ourselves arguing more than getting any work done and building the ministry that God gave to us to Shepherd and grow. So I politely, well I think it was politely he may say different, moved across the hallway into my own space. There I can be as quiet, as neat and as put together as I wanted to be. Sure it meant we were down a classroom, but that is the price we were willing to pay for our sanity and for the sake of our marriage.
Before my husband and I became Pastors' of our own ministry, he was the minister of music at our previous church. OKAY, this is where ALL the trouble was. He would want us to sing certain songs and I felt that as his wife, and bed mate :), my opinion was going to and needed to be heard because I love music and I knew so much better than him. (Well at least that was my thinking. Lol) We constantly and consistently bumped heads. After about 6 years of doing the same thing while expecting different results (isn't that called insanity), we realized that it was just not going to work and had to be honest. As much as I LOVE to sing, as long as he is on the keyboard, we have come to the conclusion that we are not strong enough to stay in our lanes (well me mostly). So this is where you have to be strong enough to step away, no matter how much you LOVE to do it, in order to not cause reprehensible damage to your relationship. Especially if they are the more needed one to that scenario. For example, my husband was the minister of music. If he didn't play that keyboard, there was no music. There were plenty of singers. So, I had to put on my big girl underwear and bow out. I had lane jumped for so many years that we never got back in the race, we just laid there mangled up together on the tracks. "Lane jumping" will only cause for you to trip one another up and then somebody is in the loudspeaker yelling "DOWN GOES FRASIER". So not cool.
Even when it comes to matters of your household, both parties have to find their lane and run in that mug. It took us years to figure out who handles the money better, who cooks better, who handles the kids better, so on and so forth. At first we were like, you're the woman so you cook, clean, iron, get up in the morning with the kids (which is SOOOOOOO not my ministry, I HATE mornings), so on and so forth. While he worked, paid the bills, took care of the cars, you know all the manly stuff. After 10 years (yep I said 10) we finally figured out that this model family that God knows who created, just did not fit us. My husband gets up in the morning with the kids, we take turns cooking, I am the saver and the carer for the bills and both of our vehicles, so on and so forth. We figured out our own lanes and now we are coasting. Our kids have never been happier, our bank accounts have never been bigger and we have never been happier. That model family crap is for the birds and I'll tell any and everybody that. There is no one size fits all model. It's a do what works for you model and by golly we are doing it!
So this is what it is and that is what I call "lane jumping". Every now and then we have to remind one another that the other is lane jumping and we humble ourselves and mosey on back to our lane. We don't want to go back to where we were. Shoot, it took 10 years to get away from there. It is very detrimental to your marriage that this not occur if you plan on starting and running ANYTHING together. Oh yeah, right next to leaving work at work and home at home, NEVER intermingling the two (but that is a subject matter for a whole other time). We are trying to leave a strong legacy and our kids watch us too closely to continue to go down that road and expect to raise healthy, stable and whole kids. So if you're going to try this couple work together thingy, find your lane, find it quickly and stay in it. Your marriage, your sanity, shoot your kids sanity, depends on it. Be realistic and humble enough to bow out of even the thing that you love to do if the other partner is more needed in that area and find something else to do. By the way, I am a heck of a dancer so I switched to that. Very rewarding and much more peaceful.
Unapologetic is me, L.
Love this!!
ReplyDelete