My Absolute Biggest Fear!

     Growing up we create and dream up all of these plans of how our life is to be when we get older. What will be our career, what college we will attend, what age we are going to marry, how our wedding will look, our spouses occupation, what city/state we will live in, how many kids we will have, how much money we are going to make.... Some of us even dream up what kind of animals we will have and what there names will be. We map out our life to the tiniest detail. Some people, very few I imagine, stick to that plan if they are truly locked in and dedicated to the plan. But for the bulk of us, as we grow older, the twist and turns of life tend to drive us in a different direction. I was one of the people that turned out to be on the redirected plan once life began to truly happen to me.
     One thing that just wasn't in my life plan was children. Children just weren't in the plans for me that I can remember. I was supposed to go to the military, find me a husband that could and loved to cook (because I hate it lol) (only because I'm so impatient), travel the world and retire from the military. Then we would continue to travel until we eye called home to be with the Lord. But at the age of 20 life happened. I had my first son. Then at 26 my daughter, then at 28 my 2nd son. So as you can see, my life switched directions from the way that I had planned it as a young girl. But guess what, my kids are an absolute blessing to me. They are smart, loving and funny as all get out. They keep me smiling and have taught me a great deal about forgiveness and how to love without boundaries. They are little angels in human suits to me. Yes they are.
     So, I know your wondering, where does this biggest fear come in. Well, here it is. My biggest fear is the fear the day that my kids will grow up, won't need me anymore and they will move away to start their own lives apart from me. This actually hurts my heart and cuts me to the core everyone I think about it. So what am idoing about that now? I'm glad you asked. My prayer is that my relationship with my children now will always warrant them wantingþneeding mommy close. Not as a crutch, but as a support. Not the "Mommy I'm in trouble with the law help me out" or "I need a baby sitter to go to the club" type support. But the "I need to cry this out in a safe place where I'm not treated as less than because I'm crying buy now that I've cried and gotten some wisdom I can attack the problem head on" or the "I need some strong solid above on this and I need someone I can depend on because there motives are pure and they only want to see me be a better me".......... You feel me? Good.
     I know growing up is inevitable, but growing apart from me doesn't have to be. Everyday that I look at them I see more and more signs of them growing up and being more independent. They don't need me like they did when they were babies in my arms. My oldest is now 13. I'm trying to teach him the things that he will need to know to do in order to run his own house, but everything in me just wants to baby him for the rest of his life. But I know that this is not healthy. I dare not for him to be a liability as an adult, but he's still my baby. All three of them are. The day they move out of my house will probably be the hardest thing in life for me. Harder then recovery from every surgery that I've had. Harder then pushing them all out naturally during their births. I know one day I'm going to have to let go (my fear, uggggghhhhhh). But for now I'll just continue to be there mommy and hold on for as long as I can. So that when the day come (that they say mommy you can let go now) I can say that they are ready and they know mommy is here and always was here for them. It's going to hurt I know, but it has to be done. :( I promise I won't be a smother mother to my adult children. Lol. But I'll always have their back........... unless they break the law. Then they're on their own. Lol but I'm serious.
Unapologetic is me, L.