My New Dwelling Place

     Everything that I have been through in life leads me to exactly where I am in this moment, in love with and in awe of the One who created me. My story, my testimony, all points to a place that says "You are loved, you are worthy and that's just it". I could easily be mad about being molested, raped, beaten, cursed at, lied on, spoken down to, operated on, given bad reports and so many other things. But the bigger picture is that I made it through and I am still standing. It baffles me when people continue to look back  and harbor on what they been through instead of looking around and seeing where they currently stand. Which for most is on the other side physically, but not mentally. That what was meant to break you did not. 

     As I lay in a hospital bed just last week waiting to be operated on, my husband gone on vacation without me but one of my closest companions by my side, it was in his absence that I truly realized how blessed I am. It is crazy how in a supposed dark place one can discover the totality or come to a realization of ones blessings. My realization is that GOD loves me no matter what or who is there or not there, He has my back and that I am covered under His grace. It was in a hospital bed that I truly understood how He will never leave me nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). I felt His presence every step of the way holding me up and keeping me cool, calm and collected while my belly being critically operated on for the 3rd time in less than two years. I was more calm then than I have ever been before. It was then that I realized that everything that I had been holding to inside was not worth holding on to anymore. All the hurt, pain, loneliness, feelings of betrayal, rejection, shame, guilt, so on and so forth. She did this, he did that, nobody ever did this for me.......... It was all blocking me from seeing Him. It was truly time to, as they say, let go and let GOD. 

    In this season I am surrounded by love and want to give love, but my wounds and past afflictions only caused me to spit venom and inflict pain while given a falsity of love and care to others in the name of being a stern steward for the LORD. (Just my truth). But I don't desire to do that anymore. I want my legacy to be that I gave selflessly, loved my family unconditionally, ran my businesses flawlessly and that I loved and I loved and when I couldn't, I still tried to love some more and it was genuine. People can spot falseness you know. No matter how much makeup you put on it, the ugly still can be seen. I want to be that Mother/Big Mama that people remember long after she is gone. My husband's good thang too. But the baggage had to be dropped. I have dropped them and incinerated them. And now I feel so much hope and peace. I am not so tense anymore. Some days I was so tense and tight that it was hard to walk. Headaches and joint pain were my closest companions (which are also symptoms of Chron's but my mentality magnified it). They were with me what seems like 24/7 constantly eating, barking and biting. I was a prisoner. But thank GOD that this is no more. I claim and stand in victory. I am an over-comer. I win.

    Yeah, I know that it is going to be a process and that doubt will try to creep in, but to continue to feel the way I feel now is worth going through the process and succeeding. And to think none of this would be if my husband had not left me.................. and went on vacation. (Just want to clarify that. Lol.) I'm grateful and thankful for this new place. My permanent dwelling place.  I think I am going to unpack my bags and stay here. Pain, strife, worry and stress free until the day that I am truly called home. Thank you Lord for every blessing and every lesson. It is to you I give the glory. 

Unapologetic is me, L.